The Underground Momma

I know, I know. It’s been a hot minute since my last blog.

Today probably isn’t going to be the day that I set my writing on fire, rather point you in a direction of where life has taken me of late.

I will come back to my blogging as those of you that have chosen to stick with me, know that my blogging is therapeutic. My therapy has shifted throughout the years and has recently manifested in deep conversations and sharing vulnerabilities with my close girlfriends. With that being said, it’s time that you are introduced to “Welcome to Hyggeville”.

What is “hyggeville” you ask? Well, it starts with what hygge means and how it’s pronounced.

Hygge- the feeling of coziness and contentment evoked by simple comforts, as being wrapped in a blanket, having good conversations, enjoying food, etc.

Hygge is a state of warmth, welcoming safety, and radiates love. It’s a state of mind and full immersion experience. My girlfriends and I recognized this from the environment we create when we are together. We love to get hygge!

Now, the pronunciation. The proper pronunciation is hoo-gah. However, I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that we don’t say it the proper way. We pronounce it as “huggy” as in huggyville. The same hygge environment but with the personal twist of our personalities.

Welcome to Hyggeville is a movement that started with a podcast. We wanted to create a community that was based on vulnerability, truth, faith and love. A community that would welcome people to listen and ultimately seek to create their own hyggeville for healing.

I invite you to experience a full video gathering of my girlfriends and I as we open our hearts and our vaults to heal and remind others they too are worthy of healing.

Come get hygge with us. ❤️

Facebook- welcome to hyggeville

Instagram- welcome to hyggeville

TikTok- welcome to hyggeville

YouTube- welcome to hyggeville

Spotify- welcome to hyggeville

Come help us create a community of healed people helping to heal people.

With all my love and respect

Xo

-e

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I was a “late to the party” mom. I spent all of my 20’s and 9/10 of my 30’s childless. My sister and the majority of my friends all had kids and I enjoyed living vicariously through all of their adventures and hilarious kid stories. I would be lying if I were to say how awesome it was being at birthday parties for kids and listening to all the other women who were all mothers talk about breastfeeding, diapers, first foods, brat attacks, and so on. I was usually the only adult sans children. It didn’t bother me that I wasn’t a mom, and it didn’t bother me that this was what consumed their conversations, they were moms, I totally appreciated that. I just didn’t appreciate the topic of conversations as I could never relate and often found myself more of a quiet wallflower at these parties as I didn’t have anything to contribute.

Well, fast forward almost a decade and here I am blogging about my own “mommy moment”. Don’t worry, this won’t be talking about poop patterns or tummy time, rather a documentation of just how creative and hilarious my little wingman is.

We are happily in the middle of our third year of homeschooling. One of the things that I love the most about homeschooling is the freedom it provides. However, with freedom comes the need for responsibility. We have one main rule and that is to put your best effort in and stay focused on the material in front of you. Ok, that is more like 2 rules, but you get the picture.

Last Friday, Nugs started out the day strong. Nailed his math, crushed his Homeopathy journal, aced his spelling test and had a 10/10 day, until he met the dreaded Language Arts activity of capitalizations. It wasn’t material he couldn’t grasp, he was just checked out and not feeling very “worky”. He is well aware that he always has a choice, however some choices also have consequences.

When he and I discussed the “why” behind the Language Arts flop, he conceded that he just wasn’t giving his best effort. Which led us to the discussion of the consequences from his choice to check out. I calmly notified him that he was grounded from watching his youtuber’s. He proceeded to shrug his shoulders and explained that he really had not been watching them much anyway, so no harm no foul in his eyes. I quietly chuckled and said “Huh, good to know. Then you also are grounded from Netflix”. Well, this one apparently shook him. He started to panic and asked if I was going to take his ipod away as well. I suggested that he stop offering out more consequences, take his “L” and regroup for the rest of the day and upcoming weekend.

This is where its gets good. I have written in the past about how the removal of tech stimulates the imagination in my little dude. Well, it happened again. Nugs has been exploring his mad scientist side with lots of experiments and “tricks’ as of late. While on hiatus from his brain drain shows, he decided that he was going to create a volcano show with a couple of old glass bottles he had been using for his experiments. He came into my office multiple times to update me on what his plan was which included making a sign to advertise for his upcoming show at 5pm. He departed to make his sign and burst back in a few minutes later with a huge piece of dark brown construction paper with “Volcano show, 5pm, 2$” written in black sharpie. I cheered him on assuming that when he was talking about advertising he meant to the other people in our house. Boy, was I wrong.

It was freezing out that day and I was locked away in my office working. Nugs came barreling into my office (for the 50th time) with bright rosy cheeks and the smell of the cold outdoors following him into the room. He could not wait to tell me that Norm was going to come to the show!! I said, “wait, what? Norm? Our neighbor Norm? Norm the good time chicken ruiner? He said “yes, Norm our neighbor who said the chickens were bothering his cat! He said that he might come to my show”. I almost fell over laughing that he had been outside in the freezing cold, holding his sign at the end of our driveway, flagging down our neighbors and extorting them with a $2 admission fee to attend his show. Well, he didn’t stop with just one neighbor, he excitedly continued on that “the guy who lives in the house with black shutters said he would watch from his window”. His excitement morphed into a more serious tone paired with the demand that he and I needed a “run through” before the show to make sure it is awesome for his pending audience.

It was about 4:30 and I knew the countdown had begun to the big eruption showing. He and I set up the bottles in the kitchen and successfully erupted a test run volcano, so we both felt prepared for the double volcano show. Around 4:45 my better half called up that Norm had arrived and was waiting in the driveway. Nugs almost tripped over himself he was so excited, he grabbed his “magician” hat (Frosty the snowman’s tophat) threw on his coat and flew down the basement stairs to greet Norm. I followed him down with the baking soda slurry, and was greeted by Norm in the driveway. He was holding his phone out to record the show at his girlfriend’s request who could not be there in person, he provided his $4 ransom and proceeded to record the eruption show.

The show lasted a whopping 30 seconds, but it will be eternally imprinted in all of our memories. I thanked Norm for coming and how kind it was of him to support my little extortionist with his generous donation. Norm informed me that he had driven by while Nugs was standing at the bottom of the driveway, waving his sign and flagging him down to stop. He pulled into his driveway two houses down and walked to our house to make sure that everything was ok. He said that he couldn’t read the sign and wasn’t sure if something was wrong so he walked down to check. Little did he know that he was about to get suckered out of $4 and 30 seconds of his life. Turned out that those $4 were the best dollars that Norm had spent in a long time as Norm happens to live sans children as I once had and he was overjoyed to come support a young scientist.

What a treasure to see someone take the time to indulge my son’s random experiments and driveway stalking bouts. My heart was about to burst with gratitude. Gratitude for the kindness of others, gratitude for my son’s creativity and imagination, but most of all, my utmost gratitude that I was given the opportunity to experience my own “mommy moments”. What a treasure.

” A picture is worth a thousand words, but a memory is priceless”

xo -e

Holy Lord!! It has officially been over a year since my last blog entry. Tonight I decided to finally hunker down with my laptop and blog away. Who hasn’t repeatedly said out loud what an insane year it has been? It has been surreal watching this all unfold. Although I have numerous thoughts and experiences that I will soon share around Covid (the good time ruiner), this blog post will not include anything Covid (the good time ruiner)related.

I chose to blog tonight because I am so excited to have achieved a personal milestone and I wanted to share my vulnerabilities with everyone, as I find it therapeutic to speak openly. So brace yourself, there is a necessary back story coming.

I was delighted to spend a full week away this August, on vacation with my family, as well as share a co-parenting vacation with my ex and his (amazing)partner in crime. I could write a full blog post on that incredible experience alone, which I probably will end up doing, as it’s totally worth sharing. Stay tuned for a future post with those details.

Anyhoo, while enjoying a fabulous week of soaking up the revitalizing sunshine of the South Carolina shores, and enjoying the ever humbling strength and beauty of the ocean waves, I managed to somehow “jack up” my right knee. I cannot identify the exact moment of impact, but I can tell you that the ocean quickly (and repeatedly)reminded me who was really in charge. I got hammered with waves and undertow induced loss of footing more times than I can count playing in the waves. It was awesome! There was also this 2 hour “dolphin spotting” ocean Jet Ski tour that we decided to partake in.

Ok, full disclosure- I am the antithesis of an athlete. I am like a bull in a China shop, and have never possessed a ton of coordination and grace. I will randomly have bruises appear on my appendages from running into the corners of shelves, cabinet doors etc. Ok, you get the picture. Keeping this is mind, I will try and recreate the visual of my ocean and what turned out to be a “no dolphin sighting” 2 hour jet skiing tour. There were a total of 4 jet skis in our group and our guide had us follow each other out in a line through the inter-coastal. It was a no wake zone for quite a ways, so no problem, easy peasy, I was coasting along. We then hit a spot of cruising and I watched as each of the other skis sped off way ahead of me. I started to gain some speed when suddenly a fish launched itself out of the water, hit the side of my jet ski and flipped back into the water. I had one of those mini-heart attack moments and immediately slowed down, which had now put me waaaaaaay behind the group, so I worked my confidence back up, and attempt to catch up as quickly as possible to the others. Needless to say, they were all waiting for me at the entrance into the ocean. I was officially the slow old lady holding up the group. Keith made sure to tease me about exactly that when I finally caught up. It was funny because it’s true and to be honest, I could have cared less that I was the slow old lady anyway. We ended up pausing as a group and chatting about the game plan when we hit the open ocean. We were able to have “free ski” and rip around anywhere we wanted as long as we could stay in view and didn’t go to close to shore. Awesome. Freedom on the open ocean to rip around on a jet ski and look for dolphins, I was ready.

The ocean looked so calm and peaceful from my viewpoint on the beach, especially when I looked way beyond the wave breaks. Well, let me tell you how that turned out to be a deceptive LIE. I was out in that open ocean that appeared to be so calm and peaceful, and it was the furthest thing from it. I had entered my own version of the waves from the movie “The Perfect Storm”. They were obnoxiously large and angry with they way they were colliding and crashing into each other. It took me a while to build my confidence with choosing how to navigate the waves and how fast to go in order to not flip myself over. There was a zero chance that I was going into that ocean unless I was dead. There were a couple of times where I hit a bunch of colliding waves and was launched out of the water to the point that my jet ski sounded like it was a squealing pig “wheeeeeeeeing” from being out of the water. The obvious change in the jet ski’s noise caused me to panic and quickly correct my daredevil moves from happening again. It was a thrash around, bumpy, sometimes terrifying, yet fun experience! I can say that I will probably choose to never do that again but I am glad I did it. After the return trip, I started to feel the physical casualties that the mighty ocean had in store for me. My knee looked like a balloon from swelling, and the increasing pain made it clear that I would soon be paying for my jet skiing, daredevil like shenanigans.

Upon returning home from South Carolina, my discomfort was increasing and mobility decreasing, so I decided to head over to the Ortho-Urgent Care. I was given x-rays, and had some physical tests completed to determine ACL damage. The PA informed me that I needed an MRI and in the meantime handed me a list of PT exercises to begin, and called in a script for meloxicam, which is a prescription NSAID. The PA suggested that although meloxicam was similar (same MOA- Mechanism of action) to ibuprofen (which is over the counter) but patients had reported improved pain relief when switching to a prescription NSAID like meloxicam from OTC Ibuprofen. I was taken aback from hearing her suggest this to me, not because she said something offensive, rather it was that I heard her words as almost verbatim repeat of how I had sold to Providers in the past on writing a prescription med for a patient instead of an over the counter competitor. I just smiled and thanked her for her help. I have not picked up that Meloxicam script, and have no intention to. This is where I am gonna bring it all home for you on why I was excited to write this post to begin with!

When I was living and breathing Pharma, I was really well connected with incredible providers from numerous specialties from my years in the industry. Had I experienced my knee injury a few years back, I would have already had some sort of pain relief called in while I was on vacation, had something to help me sleep, and probably even a muscle relaxer for muscle spasms. It would have been an automatic response for me to immediately seek pharmaceutical support to manage my symptoms. I would have turned my nose up to any other treatment or therapies if it didn’t include a prescription of some sort. I was fully committed to prescription meds as the only true way for health management, hook, line and sinker.

When I decided to exit the world of Pharmaceuticals, I longed to exit it from a patient perspective as well when it came to using allopathic therapeutics. I had lived a life only seeking and using one method of medicine for my illness management. Over the past couple of years, I have dedicated more and more of my free time reading and researching as much as I possibly can with regard to Natural Medicine and its many branches. It has been the most incredible and eye opening journey to learn about the depth and incredible medicinal uses of plants, Fungi and minerals. There truly is a plant/mineral for every ailment, it’s just incredible! As I increase my knowledge base, I often find myself getting angry and disappointed with the amount of incredible information and resources in Natural Medicine that have been written off as “pseudo-science” or “quackery”. More societal driven labels used to divide and conquer the people all while providing the fuel for ad hominem attacks. We have been robbed. Why shouldn’t people have the choice to explore all treatment options? Why shouldn’t Natural Medicine be more of an accepted option for people to seek out? Why can’t we have allopathic medicine systems and natural health systems for people to choose from without restriction or judgement? Why does there need to be a monopoly on health care, if the end goal is truly people’s health? Allopathic medicine has it’s place in society. Natural Medicine has it’s place in society. Until we find a way to truly separate Pharma and State, corporations and their products will continue to take priority over the people. Our data speaks for itself when it comes to the true public health in our country. We are a nation of chronically ill, medication dependent and increasingly sick people. It makes me crazy.

So far I have managed every step of my knee injury sans synthetic medications. I have chosen to manage my pain with compression, physical support for stability, Arnica and Bellis homeopathic tools, lots of ice and elevation. I have certainly experienced positive relief with my chosen arsenal of tools. I won’t lie and say that this is a happy/happy/joy/joy kind of experience, it’s not, it hurts like a mother and is super uncomfortable. All I know is that this time around, my perspective and outlook are completely opposite of my past. The treatments and therapies that I once considered absurd and unattainable, are in reality, incredible and easily tangible.

There is such incredible life and vibrant health opportunities waiting for everyone outside of Allopathic medicine. We are not bound to only abide by one set of medical standards that were designed and implemented to ultimately finance corporations as the main priority with the people’s health coming in at second place.

I have lived and gained personal experiences in both Medical worlds and I am choosing to stay exactly where I have landed. I am healthier than I have ever been and HAPPY, I feel empowered about my taking care of my health and how to better self manage it. I have new perspectives to see from and have every intention to continue expanding those perspectives.

“Gaining knowledge, is the first step to wisdom. Sharing it, is the first step to humanity” -unknown

So much love and respect.

xo -e

Oh, it’s time to blog it out. I have been wanting to blog for a long time, as it has been a while since my last posting. I have been hesitant to write, as there is so much happening in the world and our country that trigger anger and frustration that I didn’t want those emotions reflected in my blog.

Today, my emotions are full of love, gratitude, sadness and conviction. Today, one of my friends from Mississippi passed away unexpectedly. His name was Jimmy Ash. Jimmy was genuinely kind, he embraced people regardless of their flaws or fears. He believed in natural health and healing and loved to share his knowledge with everyone. He was a seeker of truth and was never ashamed to stand for the truth even if it meant he was standing alone. He was a father to a vaccine injured child, a passionate and fierce advocate for medical freedom, a friend to all, and most of all led the most incredible and grounded faith walk. I have the utmost respect for him as an incredible soul.

Here’s the thing- these are just a few of the amazing gifts that Jimmy brought to this dark world, yet I have never met him in person. He and I became friends on Facebook through our joint passion for truth and medical freedom.

Jimmy and I communicated only through posts/comments, but in some strange way, I had a closer relationship with him than some of my casual, in-person friendships. It is tough to put into words and it probably sounds a little “stalkerish”, but he had such an amazing and kind presence. Most people put on a different persona with social media or hide behind filtered pictures, but Jimmy was just real, all the time, and everyone was able to sense that.

I, like almost 5000 other friends were shocked to hear of his passing. I don’t even know how he passed, and to be honest the cause of death doesn’t matter, his presence has been altered regardless. I find myself torn between mourning the loss of such an incredible soul on this earth and at complete peace in knowing that his relentless faith has carried him home to rest with our Creator.

There is so much pain, anger, hurt, and evil in the world, in our country and even in our own homes. Jimmy was the antithesis of all of that. He was a living light in the darkness. I find comfort in knowing that although his physical presence may be gone, his light will always shine and I will carry that light forward with me.

Thank you Jimmy for entering my life, even if just through the computer. You have left your mark on this world and will be sorely missed, until the day we meet in our eternal home with our Heavenly Father . May you be at peace and fill all of us left behind with your spirit and conviction for faith, truth and light. There is a saying that reads- “be the things you loved most about the people who are gone” and I plan on doing just that.

Rest in eternal peace, Jimmy Ash. See you on the other side, my friend.

“light up the darkness” -Bob Marley

So much love and respect.

xo -e

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This is a blog entry that I have been wanting to write so many times over the past months, but just have never felt that I had the words to organize all my thoughts around it, until now.

OOOOOOKKKK, let’s have a chat about labels. From birth to death, most of us walk a path of trying to find or hide from a “label” to be associated with. It involves, clothing brands, skin care, cars, social groups, colleges, you get the picture. Let’s be clear, I was a victim of needing to be associated with labels throughout my life. In my teen years, I rocked Esprit and Benetton, and was obsessed with one day driving a Jeep wrangler (which I never accomplished!). After college, I was obsessed with having a Louis Vuitton and Hermes bag, and being labeled as successful. Now in my 40’s I am more concerned with avoiding labels as much as humanly possible. The more labels are associated, the more I avoid.

Enter today. “Pro-Vaxxer/Anti-Vaxxer”, “Republican/Democrat”, “left/right”, “Normie/Conspiracy theorist”, “Woke/Sheeple”, the list goes on and on. Well, since this is my platform to express my thoughts, THIS IS ALL GARBAGE AND NEEDS TO END.

How very self righteous, primarily ignorant and elitist of all of us to somehow feel superior to someone else because we have decided who fits into these categories. When did it become acceptable to cast judgement upon someone that we DO NOT EVEN KNOW, and then cast them aside with a label because they associate differently than you or I. WHO CARES?!?! Not who cares in a dismissive way, that is basically the same as labeling someone to begin with. We were all created individually (fingerprints are a good proof point) we all come from extremely different walks of life, yet we all share the same journey to start our lives and we are all social beings with a need for belonging.

The most common label present in my life is the good old “Anti-Vaxxer”. Personally, I don’t even really know what the definition of an “anti-vaxxer” is. I do know that my definition is probably different that yours. I don’t associate myself as an “anti-vaxxer”, but I am sure that many of you reading would. This is exactly my point. The media portrays “Anti-Vaxxer’s” as either uneducated moms, who sit at home and watch tv, listening to Jenny McCarthy and obtain their “info” from mommy blogs. OR, “Anti-vaxxers” are well educated, white, upper class mothers, who are considered to be “elitist’s that don’t care about the health of other people’s already sick children. Well, the last time I checked, I don’t fit into either of those categories, either willingly or by default. Why do I need to have a label to begin with? Why do I need to be put into a class, because my beliefs and (intensive) research differ from mainstream? Labels bind, limit and are myopic, and that just doesn’t work with where my beliefs lie or how I function in general.

Has anyone noticed how the media spend’s more time creating illustrative headlines and creating hysteria, than actually just factual reporting? There is a reason for that. It’s sensationalism at best and continues the divide of “we the people” which perpetuates a (false) sense of belonging. I refuse to associate myself as a Republican/Democrat. I refuse to associate with being labeled as a “conspiracy theorist”an “anti-vaxxer”, or even being “woke” all because I choose to “look behind the curtain” and strive to critically think through everything for myself.

It blows my mind (and hurts my heart) to watch the insane number of people who have jumped all over the media’s spin on Trump’s question about disinfectants and light therapy. I have watched people try to destroy each other on how “Trumpster’s” should follow suit and inject themselves first or how Trump is trying to kill people, and if you attempt to clarify or sound like you are defending him, you are garbage too and deserve to die. IT IS INSANE. I cannot and will not engage in any of this destructive behavior, so instead I purge in my blog.

Want to know the irony in watching all of this? The same people verbally destroying others also happen to be the people screaming for vaccines. Here’s the irony and honestly ignorance in all of this, those same people who condemn Trump for inquiring about disinfectants have obviously never read the excipients/ingredients in vaccines. There is a laundry list of “disinfectants” within every single vaccine (read a vaccine product insert, it’s not pretty). It is hypocritical at best, and if you say it’s not hypocritical for not knowing or being told about vaccine ingredients, then there is the learning opportunity. Read a product insert, know both sides of the coin before you attempt to destroy people who don’t instantly agree with your (limited) knowledge and opinion.

Here is a little food for thought. I encourage any nay-sayer’s to please go research what is below. There is so much more going on than the main steam media is telling us all! We can truly only be “in this together” if we stop condoning this obvious division being perpetuated. Educate and empower the people, not divide to destroy.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4783265/

https://www.healthline.com/health/ozone-therapy

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” -Wayne Dyer

So much love and respect. xo

-e

Oooooook. It’s confession time. I have always had this secret obsession with hair styling. I love seeing the different blends of colors, cool cuts, and of course, amazing product (even though I rarely buy any). I drive my girlfriend nuts with questions about the how and why of what she is doing. She knows my closet obsession with hair and indulges me with answers every time. I have been in a “relationship” with my hair dresser for over 20 years. She is one of the people in my life that I love on a deeper level, even though we are not everyday friends, we have an incredible friendship. I watched her get married, I have watched (from afar) her 2 kids grow up into these amazing mini adults with incredible souls. We have journeyed through a lot of our adult lives together, and she has been the most incredible mentor, friend, therapist, and of course miracle worker. She has held my hand and rescued my hair through many of my attempts throughout the years of taking a stab at my dreams.

We were just joking a couple weeks back at our girlfriend’s hair transition party, that I am kind of like “Lenny” from “Of Mice and Men” when it comes to hair. It’s been a long standing joke that I need to stop trying to fulfill my dreams of hair styling and just let it go, to which I had conceded long ago.

Until Corona. Until lockdown. My little wingman’s hair grows at an envious rate of speed and had become unglued. I was beginning to sound like a fish wife reminding him on the reg about how long his hair was and how he needed a haircut. Well, let’s call it lockdown madness, but I pulled out my best pair of scissors the other night after Nugs got out of the shower, broke every promise I have ever made, mentally replayed the thousands of hours of visual “training”, and started cutting. For the first couple of snips, I thought I was on roll. Then I got to his bangs, and made a wrong snip and had instantly turned him into Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber. I burst out laughing, to the point I was crying laughing, and apologizing to him. I literally fell to the bathroom floor laughing and apologizing. The worst part was, he had just watched part of that exact movie and immediately knew who I was referring to. He was less than amused with me and my hysteria.

Once I gathered myself, he clapped back at me by banning me for life from ever touching his hair and closed me down with “aaaand scene”. Needless to say, his dad ended up fixing it by giving him a complete buzz cut, to which now our son is literally a mini me of him. Sigh. A lesson that I should have learned many moons ago.

I feel the need to make my hideous, stubborn, epic fail public, so as to be held accountable and prevent any possible hair disasters in the future. My name is Erin, and I have a problem. I can guarantee that I have lost all hope of becoming my girlfriend’s hair assistant anytime soon and I’m just going to have to deal.

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”

so much love and respect.

xo-e

With so many therapies offered to help quench whatever stressors life may present, I often have found myself turning to music. I have always been a weirdo with my music choices. Let’s just be honest, old school hip hop, hands down, comprises the majority of my free space, however, depending on my mood, I will blare some heavy metal when I am mad, jazz when I am cooking, and faith based music when I am needing peace and calm.

I chose to write this blog this morning after listening to one of my favorite “praise” songs. There are many praise songs that trigger conviction within me, but this one in particular brings me to my knees. I have decided to write out the lyrics to this song, as the words are so powerful and convicting. I sob (think cement tears) along to this song, not because I am sad, rather because it allows me to put life into perspective. In times of distress, where the world feels heavier than I can carry, allowing myself to find peace and strength in words and song has always been the most effective therapy for me.

The song is called “So will I (100 billion times)”, by Hillsong United. The words are powerful on their own accord, but add in the music and you have magic.

God of creation
There at the start
Before the beginning of time
With no point of reference
You spoke to the dark
And fleshed out the wonder of light

And as You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapor of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve made
Every burning star
A signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises so will I

God of Your promise
You don’t speak in vain
No syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science
Follow the sound of Your voice

And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky
A canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You so will I
So will I
So will I

If the stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times

God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die

And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I

Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire
You’re the One who never leaves the one behind

In these surreal and most volatile times, I pray that everyone is able to find their version of “therapy”. I pray that everyone has the chance to feel their convictions at some point in life, as it remains the most powerful and productive emotion I have experienced. It deserves to be shared. Everyone deserves peace and salvation.

“And as you speak, a hundred billion failures disappear..” -HIllsong

so much love and respect.

xo -e

Ugh. I have a true love/hate relationship with this phrase. You see, “keep your knees bent” was the go-to phrase that a couple of my past managers in Pharma loved to say. It was always some common sports analogy used to “motivate” us as reps. “Go for the Heisman!” or “C’mon team, we gotta keep our knees bent and head in the game” or my other favorite, “There is no I in team”. It used to nauseate me, as I respect the need for motivation and team mentality, but in reality we were in sales, we were competing with each other for outdoing each others goals, sooooo yeah, it never rung true to me in those days.

Well, well, well. Guess what my favorite saying is these days? (I say this on the reg, without throwing up in my mouth, even a little). “Keep your knees bent”. It would be foolish not to, with the state of the world. The information that we are presented with is overwhelming and changes by the hour. It is so much to process, and has caused SO MUCH DISRUPTION. Sometimes I wish that I could pinch myself to wake up from this crazed dream that we actually call reality. It is mind blowing not only to be forced to participate in, but the observations are numbing for me.

The reason I chose to “blog it out” today, was I received a text from one of the female friends whom I consider a “soul sister”. We have synergistic energies and thrive together. I adore her on every level. She spoke of how she was traveling home today, so as to help console her daughter who is a senior at a local college. She mentioned how her daughter was struggling with feeling robbed of what should be the best time of her life, her senior year in college. Realizing that since the remainder of her last semester will be online and she probably will not see her friends again, at least for a while and in a collegiate atmosphere. I get it. I LOVED my college years. The friendships, the shenanigans, the independence, the false reality of whats to come, I LOVED IT. Graduation is the apex of the time served and realizing that you are not going to ring the bell at the peak of said apex, it’s just crappy.

It’s funny, a couple days ago, my better half’s daughter, found herself to be in the same predicament. First was the blow that she would be finishing her last semester of college online, and probably will not have a normal graduation ceremony. Second, she was supposed to be leaving for Florida with her girlfriends for her last spring break hurrah. Unfortunately the cards were not stacked in her favor and she was processing some serious disappointments.

Welcome to keeping your knees bent, good old change agility, aka coping skills. She sought my opinions and struggled though, needing to stay in her mourning of the undesired change. I explained that I think that is important that she process the feelings of disappointment, as she has every right to feel “gipped”. It stinks for her and her buddies. It stinks for my girlfriend’s daughter and her friends. I also encouraged her to change her perspective on her present situation. Indeed, the rug is being pulled out from underneath her with the present normal she is living. It was my hope for her to not feel dismissed in her feelings, but to recognize that this is only the present. I promised her that when she moves into the next stage of her “normal” (future) she would never look back and be bummed that she didn’t have a graduation or go on senior year spring break. I reminded her that she was a part of making history. The results of this Pandemic don’t happen every day and that when she looks back, she most likely will be more prone to speak of how she was part of the seniors that were displaced, and that would be the talking point. Change your perspective, change your attitude.

I shared my feedback with my girlfriend as food for thought. I can only offer my perspective from being able to look back and giggle at myself from the majority of things that used to crush me, I was a total DQ. That said, everything that occurs in life is relative to the time period of your life. Priorities shift, things that were once valued, are no longer. It’s called change, it’s never going to stop, and frankly I would never wish it any other way.

Soooooooo, keep your knees bent, people, and bring on the sports analogies as my head is totally “in the game”.

“Maintain your forward momentum by cultivating flexibility” -Averstu.com

so much love and respect. xo

-e

Holy lord. What is happening in our world? Countries are in lockdown, people are panicking, state of emergencies are being declared, and fear is having it’s hay day. It is beyond overwhelming to understand what is propaganda and what is reality. I am still baffled at the mad rush on toilet paper for an upper respiratory illness, but maybe I am missing something.

Here is what I know and continually fall back to. in this worldwide panic. First and foremost is my faith. I have written about my very personal faith walk, and it in no doubt comes in really handy during times like these. It fuels the foundation for me to fall back on critical thinking and come from a place of calm not panic. There are parts to my faith that I am unable to even express in words, as it is more of a feeling or energy that I have within. Maybe I am not supposed to have the words to share, as this is my walk, intended the way it was written. Either way, I am internally at peace. I have zero doubt that my rejection of fear is driven through my faith foundation.

Second, I am literally psychotic in researching and reading. I am blowing my own mind at how much room I have in my brain to absorb the information I take in. I am relentless in researching both sides of every “coin” as I am balance driven and won’t feel comfortable until I can weigh out each side to make my choice. My need for information satiates many fears, which adds to my calm. I feel informed. (I’m sorry, I have to say it- INFORMED CONSENT SHOULD BE WHAT IS MANDATED. IT EMPOWERS PEOPLE).

I don’t feel or perceive any imminent danger to my life or my family and I am extremely empowered on how to best prepare and maintain our immune systems. If we are exposed to this current circulating virus (or any other), we will be prepared to respond accordingly. I understand the ripple effect of a world wide panic and how to be as proactive as possible to respond to what could present as a repercussion. The need for critical thinking is of the utmost priority in times like this. (side bar/rant- it should be the highest priority all the time, to create that muscle memory and to create productive communication skills!) It just works. I’m a super fan in case you missed it! That said, I have zero desire to sound self righteous with my rant, I just find myself in continuous situations within personal and professional relationships, where a little critical thinking could have shifted the outcomes of many situations.

My need for some “woooooosaaa” time, results not from a pandemic threat, rather from finding myself more overwhelmed and alerted with the fast growing number of people that I love whom are hurting on one level or another. Every where I look, I have friends suffering. Suffering through the agony of divorce, cancer diagnoses, unjust laws, unresolved relationships, paralyzing fear(s) of _______ (fill in the blank), co-dependency and overall self-sabotage. We all need healing on some and many levels. We all deserve to heal from whatever burdens us. We as a world are too far out of balance. Everything alive is constantly striving to either maintain or return to balance. HOMEOSTASIS is essential, as humans we must find as many ways to return to balance for survival in general.

I am not sure that we will ever find true balance on a global level without it being heaven. It’s a sad reality, so for me, it’s more important than ever to remain as grounded and balanced as I am able, so my new normal forages onward. I feel like I am actually listening to those repeated airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on first because I’m breathing.

“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” -Dan Millman

so much love and respect. xo

-e

Six trips around the sun has finally brought out the more shall we say, “independent” side of my little wingman. He has moments of showing that he is starting to not need momma’s help with tasks he always sought me for. He has begun to master his HILARIOUS sense of humor and is witty beyond his years. The shenanigans are endless and this kid can throw down some zingers.

Well, let’s just say that, of late, I have been “momming” so hard. Having the freedom of being schooled from home comes with necessary boundaries. It is easy to get distracted by the animals that live with us in our residential zoo. It is easy to take unnecessary bathroom breaks to avoid the task at hand. It is easy to become distracted and fall off the task train. I find myself repeatedly informing my little wingman to “stay task focused”. He will even finish my sentence for me, it is said so frequently. We are desperately working to connect that just saying it by finishing my sentences is very different than actually following through on it! I often remind myself that he is 6, and this is a marathon not a sprint, sigh. With distraction comes corrective action which lends to his defensive reactions, which then of course leads to a need for an attitude adjustment. And the circle of acting like a turd and being corrected continues.

Enter my “momming” so hard. After 3 days of the circle of correction, I finally lost my “you know what”. I was done with his back talk, so I told him to “beat street” and head to his room. He somehow knew better than to stomp up the stairs this time, and instead of fighting me, he quietly moved to his room. I gave myself a couple minutes to get my crap together and gather some emotional intelligence before I verbally decimated my 6 year old. He was sitting on his bed, looking like Ferdinand the Bull, just waiting for my wrath. I sat down and calmly (wooosaaaa) explained to him that he was grounded from anything that plugs in. Youtube? Gone. Netflix? Gone. SportCenter? Gone. Fire Tablet? Gone. I actually had to list out all of the possible electronics he was grounded from. I may or may not have dramatically ripped the cord out from the TV and took the remote in the process. A little dramatic but he got the point.

He did ask me how long he was “grounded” and if I was throwing away the remote, but otherwise got the picture that he doesn’t get the privilege of electronics when he has a bad attitude about his responsibilities.

Let me get to the best part, the part that inspired me to purge about him. Since his grounding, he has been forced to either read or play independently, and he has done both, surpassing anything I could have imagined.

I was getting ready for work the other morning, and Nugs informed me that he was heading out to the backyard with the dogs to play for a bit before school started. He was out there for about 10 minutes before I decided to peek out the back window to check on him. I giggle as I type this, thinking about what I witnessed. He was up at the shed in the back of the yard, standing behind a short shepard’s crook, that we use to hang flower baskets. He had a piece of wood that was laying in the curve of the hook. I could tell that he was having a full on conversation, sometimes directing it towards the dogs, but otherwise he was just chatting up a storm with himself. I opened a window and asked him what he was doing to which he replied “nothing”. I said that it looked like he was doing something, and he then said, “oh, yeah. This is my motorcycle and this piece of wood is the handlebar, Im just pretending to drive my motorcycle, mom.” My heart literally almost exploded as I was overwhelmed with the beauty of his innocence, imagination and just how stinkin cute he is. I told him how much I loved him and to have fun and went back to getting ready. He proceeded to run in to finish telling me what else he was doing out there. He said that the reason he loves being outside with the dogs is because he pretends that he is a Puma and our puppy is his cub, and that our other dog is a coyote. He explained that when the dogs wrestle, he chases them around and pretends they are the battling animals.

This friggin kid. I can’t possible describe the overwhelming love, joy and hilarity that he brings on the reg. It has been almost 2 weeks since I grounded him, and I’m not sure I want to unground him. Not only has his imagination returned and blossomed, his attitude has left and his innocence at 6 years is shining.

“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” -Buddha

so much love and respect. xo

-e

Soooooo, I have always fancied myself the black sheep of my fam. My mom always gets mad when I refer to myself as such, but what she doesn’t understand is that I don’t know any different because as I look back I have usually been a step outside of the “norm”, at least in my soul I have been. I don’t think being the black sheep is a bad thing, it’s just who I have always been and I’m finally cool with that, plus, I am pretty hilarious so I end up laughing at my oddities. It is well with my soul (finally).

I decided to purge today as it has taken 45 years for me to learn that there is an International Women’s Day. In the same breathe, I’m not shocked by myself, as stated before, I’m usually on the outside of these things. I would never consider myself a “feminist”, yet I believe in the empowerment of women. I have always believed and practiced in women building women up specifically, as we are by far our own worst critics and don’t even get me started on what nonsense society has added as burdens on top of that!

Through the evolution in my career path, I have been introduced to a vast new network of people. I was invited to join one of these people at a Women’s Brunch in celebration of International Women’s Day, a few weeks back. When I agreed to attend, I didn’t even pay attention to what I was attending, I just said yes because I love the gal who invited me, and I’m always up for meeting new people and networking. Well, this morning came around and I saw something posted on how today is International Women’s Day and it suddenly clicked, Women’s brunch to celebrate Women’s day, riiiiighht. (I know, I should probably be more ashamed at my lack of critical thinking).

I had my better half iron a fun, spring skirt (side note- how is that for a women’s day move?!? He is waaaay better at ironing than me for the record) and I left to attend the brunch. I walked into a group of about 50 women, knowing only my new friend. We sat at a table that ended up having 6 other women soon join. We circled around the table with introductions and each gave a quick CV about ourselves. I was sitting amongst a diverse group of women. A very popular local photographer, a trader on wall street, a lawyer, the owner of a popular business run by Veterans, and a social media influencer for a local developer. It was fascinating to watch the dynamics at our table. The conversations really had absolutely nothing to do with empowering women or really anything to do with women other than what on the outside looks more like fulfilling the stereotypes of women. I listened to conversations about Louis Vuitton perfume, where they bought their bags, the “gram” influencers that should be followed, and lots of conversations about cookies (I know, it was random but much appreciated). Let’s be very clear, I am sooooo down with talking about cookies and I am all in when it comes to girl talk about lash extensions and I even have the ability to weigh in on fashion talk. I guess this is where my black sheep side starts creeping in. I also love talking on a much deeper level about the reason we were supposed to have come together for this brunch to begin with. Maybe I am just getting older or maybe I have become too literal, but I find myself less and less attracted to joining big movements like this. I am hands down in complete support of recognizing women in society as we do men, I believe in empowerment across the board no matter the gender. I am a social creature to a visceral level and thus will always have the need of belonging to some degree. I have lived in the Louis Vuitton world, and now he sits scrunched up in my closet somewhere. I have dipped my toes into the social media world, I absolutely stink at IG, and you definitely need informed consent before you friend me on facebook. So, this is me. Baaaaaa.

In all seriousness, since there is a day that the world has chosen to focus on recognizing women then I raise my metaphorical glass to the sky and say “Slainte”! Here’s to all the incredible, beautiful, intelligent and perfectly imperfect women in the world. May we always remember to choose to raise each other up no matter what the speaking topic may be. We already know better, so let’s just do better, together.

“Be who you are, not who the world wants you to be”- Coco Chanel

so much love and respect. xo

-e

Dang. I experienced something this week that completely caught me off guard and in result brought me to my metaphorical knees.

I have written before of some female friends of long that have recently become more present in my life. One of these incredible women texted me this week and I need to share it. This deserves to be addressed on many levels and I need to purge my thoughts. Below you will read the actual text. (I immediately informed her that I was going to need to blog about this, so she knew my intent).

Dear Erin,
I faithfully read your blog. I’m not on Facebook but understand you are contributing to the general public’s knowledge of pharmaceuticals. I appreciate so much the tremendous perspective and knowledge I have gained from you. I find myself in a quandary as I need these pharm companies now more than ever to keep me alive. I’ve been diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer again and chemo is my treatment to get the mass to shrink. My quandary… I hear and accept and appreciate your stance. I want to be brave enough to be that with you …I’m choosing to going forward with this treatment. I KNOW that you want me to make decisions that are good for me, because you are amazing, warm, open, and giving so it’s nothing to do with that. Simply that I embrace and believe the information you offer and cannot practice it. You know me all too well that when that happens for me I feel like a contradiction…yucky feeling! Any who my friend, I’m sharing my sucky news and my sucky quandary. I love you! I hope life is amazing still and you are cool with you!

DANG. I was sobbing by the middle of her text. I was sitting in a diner when her text arrived, I read the text and was at my ugly cry in 2 seconds flat. Obviously hearing her devastating news of an aggressive cancer was concerning and upsetting, but I read beyond that. Even though it is normal for us to go weeks at a time without talking, for some reason, I had been conscious of the longer time between our last connection with each other. I had wondered what had caught her up, but knew she would circle back. No biggie. Until her text. I sobbed for her diagnosis, but I wept because I could feel her hesitant energy to reach out to me.

First, how lucky am I to have a friend who overcame any fears or hesitancy to speak her truth?? I can only imagine how long she waited to be vulnerable for fear of my reaction to her treatment path. I get it, I am loud, literally and metaphorically. Even in close friendships that can be intimidating based on the decibels alone! When I blog or post about articles on Pharma, I am only speaking my truth. My intent is to educate and empower people by speaking and sharing the truth as I continue to uncover and learn it. I will never condemn or judge someone for choosing a path that is different than the one I choose. The freedom of choice is exactly what I advocate so fiercely to preserve.

What I can tell you is that now that I am in the know, it will be like trying to pry your tongue off a frozen pole, to get me to not embrace and uplift my beautiful friend. A bunch of other close friends and myself will gather together next week for a celebration of her transitions through the chemo journey. It is a summoning of the kindred souls to unite for agape love and some soul healing that we all can use. You can already palpate the united energy in our group text discussing plans, its awesome and I am so excited to shower her with all the synergistic love.

My incredibly beautiful friend. You know who you are. Thank you for trusting me as your friend to raise you up and support you unconditionally with the new normal you must carve out. My job will continue to always act as your mirror, reminding you every step of the way, of the incredible soul that you are. Your goodness will radiate through any of the realities of chemo. You have always been a warrior, you will rise as you have before and we will be right by your side the whole time. I love you so very much and cherish our friendship of so long. xo

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness”- Brene Brown

so much love and respect. xo

-e

Well, I was able to witness first hand the result of bail reform in NY, tonight in town court. Let me just say that it was disturbing for numerous reasons.

First, let me explain as to why I was in court to witness this arraignment to begin with. It all started a couple months ago when our dog went AWOL without a collar on. Long story short, during his time on the lam, he was busted by the local dog catcher. He managed to make it home sans the escort, but a week after his dance with law, I received a court summons for having an unlicensed dog. Fast forward 2 prior court appearances that were adjourned until today, where I sat in the town court waiting to make my guilty plea in front of the judge and pay my fine of $25.

When I entered into the court room, I noticed there was a younger guy in his mid twenties that was in handcuffs and escorted by two Troopers. I wondered if I was going to witness bail reform in action, and I most certainly did. There was nothing private about this guy’s case. There is a microphone that the judge speaks into for the courtroom to hear, as well as everything being recorded in the courtroom. Apparently, the young man had “allegedly” stolen $1700 worth of electronics from Target. The judge spoke of how he was caught in the act with security camera footage and the defendant looked back at him and asked him if he was sure it was him, because he wasn’t the person that did this crime. The Troopers shook their heads and scoffed, and the judge did as well. He then explained that the defendant had the right to hire a private lawyer or apply for a court appointed lawyer for his return court appearance on the 25th. The young man asked for the court appointed attorney application, and the judge explained that he was required to return to court in a couple weeks but other than that he was free to go. During the arraignment, the judge asked the defendant for his home address, to which he responded with some made up address in Albany. He told the judge that he does not have a cell phone for the court to call him with a reminder of his next court date. The judge then went on record to explain to the court room how this goes against every bone in his body to have to release this man, who lied about his address, and knows will not return for the next court appearance. He spoke of how disgusted he is with these new laws and how in his 38 years on the bench he has never seen a more horrific decision made by a Governor. The Troopers joined in the discussion as to how this defendant lied about his address because he doesn’t actually have one. Apparently, the same Trooper had to put a warrant out to get him to appear in court tonight. He only knows that he was homeless because the defendant had called the Trooper this morning, as he was calling first to let the Trooper know how annoyed this young man’s Aunt was for calling her at 8 am, Sunday morning looking for her nephew, and oh yeah, to clarify that he had a warrant to appear in court tonight.

I watched this guy be released from handcuffs and set free to go on his way. I was called next, pled guilty, and went out to pay my fine. When I arrived at the cashier’s desk, the young man was hovering over a table in the hall attempting to fill out the application for the public defender. I could tell immediately that he was struggling to either read it or fill it out, and as I was waiting, the same Trooper walked out and asked the guy if he needed help filling out the application. I over heard him ask him if he was employed, to which he replied yes, and when asked by whom, the guy answered with “the stock market”. The Trooper explained that the stock market does not employ people directly, and suggested that maybe he was referring to being a day trader? The young man answered that he was an entrepreneur. He needed help filling out the application as he did not have the ability to comprehend and then respond accordingly.

I cannot tell you the mixed emotions that I had tonight. On one hand, we have an atrocity on our hands with the hideous bail reform that our elected representatives have passed with ZERO regard to the impact it would have. On the other hand, we have a perfect example of why bail reform was originally intended. This man is illiterate, bounces from place to place as he is not employed and utilizes his entrepreneurial skills boosting electronics. Is he a victim of circumstance or is he choosing this life of crime? I won’t lie, every bone in my body wanted to stop and help this guy fill out the form, had the trooper not. In the courtroom I felt contempt for his crimes, but outside of the classroom, I saw someone who was struggling and needed help.

I don’t have the answers to bail reform. I have more disdain for our elected representatives everyday, however, there has to be a better way. There needs to be more balance where people are held accountable for their actions regardless of the amount of money they have. We need to do better.

“When you know better, do better.”- Maya Angelou

So much love and repsect.

xo-e

I spent the past two days out in Buffalo working a Medicare health fair. Over the 48 hours, I interacted with about 500 people and I was able to learn about their individual health journeys. These were men and women either already retired or at least 65, and many managing multiple chronic health conditions. I write tonight specifically regarding one woman. Her story literally brought me to my knees and it deserves to be honored through sharing it.

This woman and her husband cautiously approached me to inquire about what I was representing. She spoke of trying to “eat better and learn more about nutrition.” Her husband was less than enthused to be accompanying her, and he wasn’t afraid to show his contempt. She began explaining of how she doesn’t have any diseases like diabetes (her words), but rather was diagnosed with “ADEM”. The second my brain registered what she had spoken, my eyes immediately welled with tears of empathy. She immediately recognized that I knew what she was speaking of and had an immediate sigh of relief. And I knew why.

You see, “ADEM” is otherwise known as Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis. This is considered to be an “autoimmune disorder”, to which of course there is “no known cause”. <insert choke here> I want to attach the web md definition of ADEM and what “could” trigger ADEM.

As much comfort she may have received by my knowledge of her very “unknown” condition, her eyes welled with tears as she continued to tell me her journey. She went into detail of the agonizing nerve pain she suffers, how certain scents can trigger excruciating pain, how she has been dismissed by 2 physicians because after their multiple attempts at prescribing medications had failed, they wiped their hands clean. She spoke of how her adult children and husband criticize her and tell he that “she looks fine to them” so she can’t really be affected by smell. She spoke of how she can barely stand to be touched the pain is so excruciating.

I stood and listened as my stomach dropped, my heart ached and my eyes welled with tears of empathy and sadness. Her pain was evident on a visceral level. All whilst sharing, she kept attempting to pull her husband over to prove that she wasn’t crazy and that I knew what she was talking about. She excused herself from me for a few minutes and I followed suit.

I hustled myself to the bathroom, locked the door and dropped to my knees and began sobbing. I am feeling the ugly cry set in as I type. How are people suffering and we are just idly standing by? It shouldn’t be this way. WE ARE DOING IT WRONG. We are setting people up for failure and then mocking them when they fail.

ADEM is triggered by vaccines. It’s not rare, it’s just rarely acknowledged. My new friend ended up circling back to me and proceeded to continue of how and when she was diagnosed.

Guess what? It turns out that it all started after she received a flu vaccine. She ended up with the ADEM diagnosis after multiple MS tests were ruled out. Not once did she speak of the vaccine being a possible trigger, and even though every single cell in my body wanted to scream it out at the top of my lungs, I didn’t. Instead, I chose to listen to her. I chose to acknowledge her pain, loneliness and affirm her intuition to learn more about controlling inflammation though nutrition. This woman needed empowerment not lecturing. She needed to feel acknowledged and not dismissed. I extended my cell phone to her and asked her to please reach out to me as I have extensive resources to help support her and networks to tap into. I wanted to throw everything I could at her to help her feel like she could manage this. It crushed me.

She asked me if she could give me a hug and we embraced in the middle of the fair with even a few tears of relief amongst both of us. It was a human connection that we all fundamentally seek and need, between strangers. I will continually send out my energy to her through prayers that we connect again. Meeting this woman and hearing her story shifted me once again to never stop empowering people through truth.

This woman and the numerous other people that I was privileged to speak to over the past two days are EXACTLY why I divorced myself from the Pharma world. There are only so many medications or band aids that can be prescribed. Until we acknowledge and address our health from the root causes, and educate ourselves around them, we will always be setting ourselves up to fail.

I am finally on the “right side” of life that serves my soul. I grow every time I get to see someone become empowered and find their way to a “new normal”. It’s synergy at it’s finest, and I will forever dwell in that state of growth.

“Suffering should make us angry. This type of anger moves us toward a wrathful compassion to take action to end suffering.” – Dalai Lama

So much love and respect.

Xo -e

I recognized something pretty awesome today and then realized how inspired I was by these current events, I knew it was time to blog and release it to the universe in hopes of it reaching exactly who needs it. (Brace yourselves because this post has NOTHING to do with public health and/or vaccines! 😉)

My realization is multi-fold. I continue to be so excited around reigniting and being drawn closer to some of my childhood/female friendships, reconnecting with friends of 20+ years on a deeper level, and realizing the incredible depth and beauty in some of my newer friendships. There also happens to be a common denominator between all of these incredible friends, they are all in some stage of hurt and pain. It ranges between severity and situation, as each have their own unique path to navigate. I found myself (I do a lot of this, apparently) counting the number of girlfriends involved and I came to a total of 10 of my friends all in different stages of life or marriage, but EVERY SINGLE ONE is seeking how to trust their soul instead of their ego.

I was texting with a dear friend of 25 years today. We had lost touch for quite some time over the years, but over the past few we have become much more consistent with contact. She has always been one of the humans in life that I have metaphorically put on a pedestal. She was one of two incredible mentors in my life and if I still tried to be like someone else in life instead of just being me, she would be one. She is they type of woman that is confident enough to know that she is easy on the eyes, but would be uncomfortable to credit herself with much more. The thing is, the person everyone else sees is this incredibly smart, hands down hilarious (takes one to know one), witty, change agile, easy going, respectful, empathetic, genuine and inclusively kind soul. She has no idea that the reflection that she sees in her mirror is not the same as I (we all) see. She is the life of the party because her energy is magnetic. I have repeatedly watched how people flock to her, she’s just “one of those people”, ALL DAY LONG. She’s a “crazy people magnet” and knows how to make every single person she comes in contact with, no matter the “cray cray” level, feel valued.

I had reached out after noticing some self love/inspirational memes she had posted on social media. We ended up texting for a while and I literally had empathy pains for her as I read her messages. She, like my other girlfriends are in need of having their self mirrors de-fogged. Sometimes it’s great to have a vent sesh with your girls, I’m all about throwing down some crappy energy to release it. However, on the flip side, I am much more inspired through and have witnessed much more growth through empowerment by acting as a mirror to the soul inside their body, not their ego shell.

My girlfriend introduced me to a quote that I really appreciate. “My pain is my gift, and I am not alone.” For me, I truly needed to feel the pain to appreciate and release it. You need to feel it to create muscle memory and begin to know wether it ultimately serves your soul, or not. Unfortunately, most of us feel the pain that is being projected upon us by others. Hurt people, hurt people. It’s time to start helping each other recognize and then compartmentalize which pain truly belongs to ourselves, and the pain which we carry from others whom are also suffering. What a great way to honor ourselves and each other by recognizing that pain often occurs with growth and that it’s part of pushing through the old norm to a create a new one.

Keep unwrapping those gifts, my girls. You are NOT ALONE. You’ve ALL got this, and I’ve got you. All boats rise with the tide my friends, and your tides are rolling in.

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

So much love and respect.

xo- e

Picture it, the year was 2005, I had just come back from the most insanely amazing all expense paid trips to Nevis and Paris. I was at the top of my game in Pharma sales. My partner’s and I had crushed our numbers and reached the number one status in the county, and at the time the world. We were repeatedly honored with lavish hotel stays, a private dinner and tour of Museum D’Orsay in Paris, and basically royal treatment for our hard work. My name was up on the wall of my company’s building honoring my hard work (all world champions were listed). It was AWESOME. I know I can tell you that I felt unstoppable. The bragging rights, the clout, the respect, the honor, the swag, it was definitely the highlight of my career. I was on top of my game and my ego was HUGE.

I remember not long after my big year, my biggest nemesis in Pharma sales, retired from the industry. This man was a legend in Pharma sales in the Capital District. He had been in the industry so long that he knew the Physicians in the area when they were just residents, they “matured” together, if you will. He was the king of Pharma. Every office and provider knew him, he had back door access to offices that wouldn’t even allow reps to enter. He won trips so often that he almost got annoyed about having to go to the same place over and over again, you know, one of those pesky little first world problems. I both secretly and publicly longed for his retirement as he was my nemesis when it came to our product portfolio. He sold my product’s direct competition and was the biggest threat for me to continue my winning reign. When the day finally arrived, I think there was a cheer that could be heard in the rep world. The King was gone.

It was not long after his retirement that we learned of his true feelings about Pharma. He wrote a pretty scathing editorial in the local newspaper about his 30 year career in Pharmaceutical Sales and pretty much how shady it was/is. He spoke about specific practices that even he had even taken part of and condemned them. He “called out” numerous examples that he felt needed to be known by the public. He was leaving the industry, never to return, so it was his time to speak his truth. Well, at the time, anyone who was still on the insides of Pharma, lost their minds. I remember having numerous and heated discussions with other reps and even offices, calling him a traitor, a hypocrite, and writing him off as dead to us. We were disgusted and irate with his bold exit.

Well, guess what? Fast forward 15 years and I am following in my arch nemesis’s footsteps. I repeatedly and publicly condemned him for his betrayal, and now, I too face the same condemnation for speaking my truth. Call it karma, call it fair, either way, it’s all good with me. The reason I decided to write this blog entry was because of a comment that one of my friends (who is still in pharma sales) made regarding a post I shared. I immediately recognized my past self in his defensive words. He attempted to gently shame me for portraying Pharma in a negative fashion, which I had not done (at least not in that post). I realized that he was defending and shaming the same EXACT way I had done so many years ago. I tried to gently respond that he and I were speaking of two different beasts in that particular example, but none the less, there is a rift now. Actually, I am sure there is a rift with a number of my friends that are still inside the industry.

Please let me be very clear. I do NOT condemn or judge ANYONE who works in Pharma Sales. These are human beings and many whom I consider close friends, trying to earn a living like anyone else. This industry is massive, yet the sales circle runs small and almost incestuous in many odd ways. Although my buddies discontent with me was my first negative encounter with the aftermath of divorcing Pharma, it won’t be the last. I will NEVER be silenced as to my personal experiences, as they are MINE to share freely. I will not feel shamed for my visceral need to exit the career that once provided for me so well. I will always honor and respect my old colleagues and friends, as I recognize them as individuals, not as Pharma entities. The corruption fallout that we are experiencing has nothing to do with the foot soldiers in sales, that is bigger than any of the contacts I have in the industry.

As a country, we are divided enough. I understand that speaking my truth will not be welcomed by many, and that is ok. I have spent countless hours deciding how to purge my experiences and how to do so with as few consequences as possible. I can only promise two things, I will NEVER fear speaking my truth to and for anyone, and I will always recognize the human before the ego.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”-Ambrose Redmoon

so much love and respect. xo -e

I AM FINALLY FREE!!! I have waited for this day for many years, but these past six months have shifted me so much that the anticipation of this day was literally eating away at me on a visceral level. My golden handcuffs from Pharma have been unlocked and I am completely free. FOREVER.

I think it is really important to be fair balanced as I start to purge my thoughts surrounding my Pharma tenure. First, I will forever be grateful for the lifestyle that I was able to secure for myself and my family through Pharma. I have made insane amounts of money throughout the years, I have traveled the world and experienced things I probably never would never have without. Pharma welcomed me into the massive network that I currently have, consisting of thousands of people throughout the world that have crossed my path and left a mark in my memory. I have made some of the most INCREDIBLE and lasting friendships, I have contacts with the top Physicians in almost every specialty and I have gained more personal and professional training than I could ask for. I will always be grateful for what Pharma has provided me, so please know this before all else. It is important to shed light on the good that came from the past 18 years because if I do not, I will (and occasionally still do) breakdown with the memories from the dark side of Pharma. This past June was the catalyst for me to breakaway from this industry that had once attracted me, as I realized how it was slowly destroying my soul.

Pharma, oh Pharma, how you present such an illusion. I entered into Pharma sales with the intention of helping people. Leveraging the medical knowledge that I had prior to entering the industry and my strong passion for empowering people, seemed like the perfect fit for me. I started my career during a transitional time in Pharma sales. The public was learning of the outrageous antics that Pharma was pulling to “sell” doctors on the medications we represented. Money was pouring out of everywhere. There were no budgets, it was a free for all on our Corporate Amex cards. I remember having Amex bills upwards of 20K/month and not an eye was blinked. This was the NORM. We were able to spend money anywhere. We could take physicians and their staff to MLB games via Limo’s, we had spa dates with physicians, we provided “dine and dash” dinner programs, any holiday would obviously be a great excuse for reps to out do each other with “educational opportunities”. Christmas would involve a rep going to a Tree farm, inviting any ‘high decile” physicians to attend with their family, pick out a tree and have it paid for by the rep. I heard of reps that would conduct “gas and dash”, where a rep would literally stand at a gas pump, invite physicians to come by at a certain time, the rep would pay for the gas and even pump it, all in exchange for an “educational detail” while the gas was pumped. The “educational detail” was the premise behind any of the examples listed above. It became almost a competition to see who could be more creative in providing those “educational details”. It was out of control. I came in on the tail end of all these shenanigans and never took part in most of the examples listed above. I’m not going to lie, there were many of us who thought these “sales techniques” were shady and never participated in many of them. But they were real and rampant.

The Government decided to create a voluntary program called The Sunshine Act and PHARMA code. Any major player in Pharma signed the “voluntary” code of conduct that was intended to create transparency for the public. The Sunshine act required any money provided to a Physician must be recorded and then be made publicly available. Enter “Dollars for Docs”, a public site that allows anyone to type in their Physician’s name and see how much money they have received from Pharma. Some of the numbers are disturbingly high, think millions. Again, in fair balance, some Physicians are highly sought after because of their Training, their CV’s (curriculum vitae), or Hospital Associations. Those same Physicians are pursued by multiple Pharma companies and are handsomely compensated for their time. They are sought after for drug panel reviews, marketing insight, brand commitment and speaking engagements. They have 3rd party companies that pay them to evaluate the Pharma reps selling abilities. The reality is, Doctors still want to know what other doctors are doing when it comes to new drugs, they too fall under “herd mentality” with prescribing drugs. The more prominent the Physician is within the targeted specialty, the greater the chance you have of other Physicians coming to an educational dinner to learn about a specific drug and then prescribe it. That also means the more prominent the Doc, the higher the compensation. Back in 2012 the running “honorarium” for a dinner program with a Physician was $2600. That was just the honorarium, if travel was needed, that of course was all arranged and paid for through Pharma. With the Sunshine Act, the breakfast/lunch/dinner programs were basically all that were left as options for “educating” providers. We lost all ability to leave our promotional pens, note pads, etc. A massive shift from once was, but definitely needed.

After spending 18 years in this ever changing and volatile industry, I have watched pattern after pattern emerge. I literally grew with my very small and unknown Company named Sanofi-Synthelabo, took part in a hostile takeover of Aventis and all of its products, then to become Sanofi-Aventis. After a few CEO changes, Sanofi became what it is known today as the MAJOR player it is, Sanofi. I have watched rep after rep get laid off, fired, rehired, laid off, hired again over an over. The turn over rate inside Pharma is high, but no one ever leaves the industry, enter the nickname “golden handcuffs”.

I had longed to leave Pharma and my golden handcuffs for years now, I have never felt more free from the burdens that I have carried from this industry for so long. I have never felt more free to dispel the illusions of Pharma. I will gladly do so over more blog entries. I will answer questions, as there are no industry secrets, the deception has always been there for all to see, it has just been shaded really, really well.

There has never been a more important time for people to understand the dynamics between Pharma and our Government. They are a one hand feeds the other cycle, and we the people ARE NOT included in that cycle. We the people are the casualties and fall out from this closed loop cycle. I can tell you first hand that what is happening in our country at the present time, is NOT, NEVER has been and NEVER will be about ANYTHING other than the health of the Pharmaceutical company and Governments pockets.

“Chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened….” -Hillsong United

So much love and respect.

xo- e

Since June 13th, I have spent enormous amounts of time dedicated to learning, researching, understanding, the macro and micro views, and just overall consumed with educating myself so as to be as prepared as possible on my journey to a new normal. I recognize that I couldn’t talk about anything else and my family and friends were the victims of my obsessive state. I know they wouldn’t consider themselves victims, but you get the picture. Much has passed and there is so much more coming, some that I know of and some that won’t surprise me when they do. I just recognized that I needed to gain more balance. I can say that as of late, I know that although my passion and drive remains the same, I am just more aware of keeping it check when socializing. I still have a long way to go, so I keep trying.

In all of the darkness surrounding me, it’s been the little things that remind me of all the light and goodness in my life. I have truly been blessed with the most amazing friends and support network. I have a family that even when they don’t understand me, they support me and love me unconditionally. I have truly been blessed with the absolute yin to my yang with my better half. I have a happy and healthy biological child and three of the most amazing humans that I know, that I am honored to be called Mimsy to.

The little things have really piled up this week and for me it’s important to honor them by speaking of them.

Entering the world of homeschooling is one of the most dynamic and incredible experiences I have had. I have begun to meet families of all walks of life that homeschool. I have been exposed to local business’ that open up their doors for homeschool opportunities. I have made friends with some of the most incredible people. This week we took a field trip to a local farm. The family welcomed a group of about 50 parents and kids to learn about sustainable farming and humane animal tending. We were able to see how the animals were raised and fed. We even purchased the farm’s grass fed beef and free range chicken. I was truly tickled to meet the farmers and learn everything that I did. Such a fun learning experience to share with my wingman.

I have been heavily involved with one of my close girlfriend’s journey to and through mediation. We were chatting this past week and she shared of her pain in processing the emotions that accompany her new normal. She spoke of self doubt and was overwhelmingly sad. I once again empathized with her pain and sadness and then switched it up. I was overcome with conviction and perspective to tell her how proud I was of her. I didn’t say it to cheer her up, I said it because I saw that her sadness was temporarily clouding her true core. I just needed to provide reminders of how far she has come BY HERSELF. How only SHE came to recognize her errs and instead of falling back to old habits, SHE confronted them and took accountability for them and has continued to do so ever since. She deserved to be reminded that her journey thus far has been done through her finding her truth and then never waning. Gentle reminders to feel the pain, process it and release what doesn’t serve her. This is her new normal to create for her family so as her friend, I stand beside to gently remind her of just how strong she decided to be. So excited for her!

I close my blog with a gushy heart. My better half just “does”. He runs circles around me and although I probably should be bothered by that, I’m just not. I recognize that although we are both driven in similar ways, we have different paths to accomplishing the same goal. Here’s a perfect example. I have been forever relieved of my laundry duties in our house. Can’t say that I’m not too upset about that one either. He just does it better all around and we both know it. How lucky am I? He and I both share a love for line dried bed sheets. With the gorgeous sunshine and warmer temperatures, my better half awoke before the sunrise to wash the sheets and comforter for our bed, to maximize natural drying time. It’s important to note the reason he awoke so early. The night prior we had used a different comforter because the one that I love was being washed. I had a complete brat attack this morning because I slept so crappy with the interim comforter. Instead of engaging in my nonsense he instead treated me with kindness and not only immediately washed my preferred and favorite comforter but he hung it outside all day in the sun to dry. I pulled them off the line tonight and the smell of fresh air consumed me. I know it’s crazy to get so excited about sheets, but I appreciate the little things like this. I am so excited to climb into those sheets tonight. Fresh, clean, and smells like fresh air and a grateful heart for a partner that loves me through brat attacks.

“Spend the day appreciating every little thing that comes your way, and you’ll end the day feeling deeply grateful for your life.”

So much love and respect.

Xo -e

I find myself in this dichotomous world wondering what my role is as a believer in god. I have spoken about how for the most part I have kept organized religion at an arm’s length, yet always embraced the messages that were intended for us as believers to embrace. I do not deny the role organized religion was intended for, I instead question the behind the scenes narrative.

I have attended a church near my hometown on and off as a younger me, and love to attend when I’m home visiting as an adult. I watch how my parents are warmed around the idea that their babies have returned home and can enjoy a message that is intended as soul nourishment. I usually find myself crying during both the praise/worship songs and again in the delivery of the days message. My better half and I have taken to watching the online service of my hometown church, not because we feel we need a church to gain clarity, but rather to have a dedicated time for the delivery and application of the message that we observe. Every Sunday at 9am, we gather in front of YouTube and stream the live service in our living room. I have repeatedly found myself bursting out in uncontrollable tears when listening. I can not describe the foreign feeling of where these emotions come from, other than personal conviction and it’s application into my life.

This morning we gathered with coffee in hand and listened to the message of the morning. It spoke of what god’s true intentions were for us as humans living amongst each other. It’s spoke of children honoring their mother and father and how that pleases god. The message also had a repeated message of “what is good for you, is also good for others.” I instantly said out loud, “I do not agree with this.” I continued to listen attentively to try and extinguish my contempt with god’s word. A couple other examples were thrown out that externally speaking had no impact upon me, but internally was another story. I immediately began sobbing. Inside my brain I couldn’t identify these emotions being triggered by something that consciously I didn’t agree with and was rejecting. I couldn’t control my tears, they poured down my face all while filling me with confusion, yet I also felt completely at peace. (Weird I know) My initial reaction of rejection had turned into opportunities ahead that I know are there, I just have no idea what I am supposed to do with them. By the time the service was over, I turned to my better half, with uncontrollable tears pouring down my face, trying to put into words the emotions that had been stirred inside me. He of course has witnessed these tears a million times, yet every time he engages with me to answer questions that may not have answers. I explained my concerns around the messaging and sought insight as to how I should interpret this message.

Let me explain myself. I am filled with gratitude that my personal walk with faith has provided me solutions that I may not have had without. I cannot tell you HOW MANY TIMES that I have strayed away from my faith, completely screwed up, sometimes willfully and sometimes blindly. I have made decisions that for many others have resulted in loss of life. I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen. I have sinned deeply and darkly. I have condemned others for committing the same exact sin I have. I have been self righteous, I have been condescending, and I have been downright disrespectful. I am a sinner through and through. All I can say from my own experience of “falling from grace” REPEATEDLY, is that when I circle back to my faith roots, I always find redemption. I am able to seek forgiveness, I am able to provide forgiveness, I am able to be accountable to both myself, others and ultimately my creator. No matter how much I reject a church or their practices, I always circle back to the ONE and ONLY thing that provides me peace and solace, my faith.

As of recent, my rejection of organized religion has struck again, and the message today didn’t exactly help. I struggle every day to uphold and support “the church” when what I feel they hide behind tax exemptions so as not to cross the clear line between church and state. I struggle that massive religious organizations like the Catholic Church or Prominent and popular preachers that while in the confines of church, preach against abortion on all levels. Pro-life mentality is a fundamental of practicing god’s word. Abortion is considered murder in the Christian faith. The idea that inside the church walls you hear a message that you are supposed to live by, yet the second you leave those holy walls, you are on your own. You feel inspired by the messaging, you feel conviction by the messaging, and have the desire to share these convictions with others.

Well, how does the church expect all these people who are taught these fundamentals to be able to practice this in their everyday life, if when challenged by the state, the church becomes silent. They retreat to their sacred and protected walls behind the guise of protecting a tax exempt status and respecting the clear divide of church and state. How can religious leaders claim they are children and messengers of god’s word and intent if they bail when push comes to shove. The FACT that aborted fetal cells are crucial to the development of vaccines and are and have been readily used and will continue to be used to develop further vaccines is completely acceptable to the leaders of ALL organized religions. Aborted babies are aborted babies are aborted babies. The abortions of babies were done for social reasons, not because of maternal or fetal health. These are live babies that are harvested through live water sac births in order to preserve and then extract the LIVING cells of that fetus. I have actually had doctors say, “those must have been spontaneous abortions.” Ummmm no. Spontaneous abortions would mean the fetus is dead and therefore have no use to harvesting live cells that are needed. How can we as believers continue to provide money, support and effort of spreading god’s word as a follower of a church, when the church itself recoils from clear stances in the name of tax exemption.

For me personally, I need to see actions not just hear words. I am not ok with seeking leadership and guidance from an interpreter that claims to deliver god’s word, yet turn and hide from it when push comes to shove. We are already here. We are watching our religious freedoms stripped by our government in the name of “what’s good for other’s is good for you”. We are watching our religious institutions hide behind the curtains of the church, condoning the need to remove religious freedom, by staying silent. That is until you decide to return inside those sacred walls to hear the same message they don’t publicly defend.

My struggle remains. How do I as a Christian, that chooses to apply the message from my creator into my every day life expect non believers to see the truth behind faith? How do I as a Christian, share the beauty and peace and comfort that can only come from a walk in faith, all while the same messaging is contradicted by a lack of actions upon the religious institutions?

In a sense, organized religion has always been part of the divide. Most people believe that all religions end up praying to the same god in the end, so the different rituals and practices that each religion offer just reinforce that these are man made interpretations. Therefore, it’s easier to ignore and walk away from the never ending conflicts and discourse of the same premise.

I will always stay on my faith walk. I am able to have more clarity surrounding the results of my choices In my past to stray. I am able to somehow always ground myself through my personal faith and beliefs. I choose to take the message and apply it to my personal walk, all while keeping the core message the same. I truly believe that we are all our own “church” as believers. I will always hope and pray that everyone is able to discover a walk of faith in their own lives. As more and more divide and oppression happens every day, I remain confident that my personal walk with faith only grows stronger in the presence of darkness and divide. I choose to see the same light that drew me to believe in god so many years ago. The light that has always been there for me to move closer to, even in my darkest of days. Although it can feel isolating in the sense that no one around you agrees or feels the same as you, I can honestly say that I never feel completely alone anymore. I always carry a glimpse of all the beauty, comfort and solace that ONLY my blind faith has provided. I will never yield in my faith, I only seek as to how as just one person, I can relay to others that they too have this dim light always glowing in the darkness just waiting for them to keep seeking regardless of the perceptions they have. All I have right now is not being afraid to speak and share the truth and never yield. So that is where I forage onward. Filled with a sense of peace, confidence and empowerment to navigate these ridiculously dark and divise times. I guess my only answer right now is to be the church. I am not bound by the separation of church and state. I am not bound, even with the recent LAWS passed to deny my faith. I have chosen to continue my faith walk, regardless of the punishments that I have and will continue to face. Faith is a choice that is a personal decision, one that is unwavering regardless of the obstacles placed in front of us. It has taken me almost 45 years to get to this place, it has been lonely, terrifying, and even threatening at times, yet at the end of the day, it is truly the ONLY thing that I can NEVER be stripped of.

“he has been with me everywhere I have gone.” -genesis 35:3

So much love and respect.

Xo -e

I needed to shed a little perspective surrounding some recent learnings and interactions with physicians. Obviously my job lends to numerous interactions and experiences, but the examples I am about to share are from a personal experience. It is important to be aware that by sharing these storied by no means am I belittling or suggesting to reject allopathic medicine or its providers.

I brought our son to his Pediatrician’s office last week for his 6 year old wellness check/physical. I have become less concerned with these annual check ups, as they are truly meant more for checks and balances for attending school, playing school sports, and receiving vaccines. Since my son is not involved in any of the above, I am very comfortable in measuring his height and weight as well as administering/assessing vital sign status’. Never the less, we went. He checked out healthy as usual, is growing like a weed, and was deemed to be a happy and thriving child. I searched for and ultimately chose his Pediatrician because she was considered to be an MD that was supportive of parents rights to choose and be a part of the vaccine divide. I can say that we have always felt very supported and respected with our decisions. During the review of his medical history, she mentioned how he had molloscum contagiosum in the past and wondered if it was still a concern at all. I was actually shocked that I had not mentioned it to her in prior years, but that we were able to rid him of the MC though the use of colloidal silver soap in about 2 weeks. I mentioned how we all use colloidal silver soap now and that colloidal silver sprays were a staple in our medicine cabinet. She shifted into physician mode and reminded me regarding the concern of heavy metal build up in the body. She even referenced to vaccines and as to why heavy metals were a concern for not vaccinating to begin with. I agreed that heavy metals are definitely a concern, HOWEVER, there are some significant and important differences to be aware of. First, silver is NOT a heavy metal or known neurotoxin like aluminum. Second, we are speaking of ingestion vs injection. Colloidal silver is microscopic silver suspended in water, with zero adjuvants. It is consumed either topically, via nasal/throat sprays, or by mouth. It is never injected into the body. It does not contain polysorbate 80, that is required in vaccines bc it opens the blood brain barrier to actually allow the vaccine to work. Ingestion of colloidal silver will never cross the blood brain barrier, it is digested and excreted normally all while providing the unbelievably protective properties to the body. Either way, I explained that I am more comfortable with the perceived risks taken with ingestion than the actual risks taken with injection. She shook her head and agreed. We left the appointment with her encouraging me to keep doing what I am doing, and that she was looking forward to seeing what I do next. I am grateful to have the open and 2way communication that we have established, together. I have the utmost respect for providers that recognize that regardless of the initials that follow their name, they are still human and don’t know everything.

One of my close friends shared something with me that has left me disturbed since first hearing. She is friends with a physician who was sharing his personal story about having Lyme disease. He mentioned that he had terrible GI issues as a fall out and that he was prescribed Doxycycline* 120 mg/day. He described that after stopping the Doxy he had consistent and relentless diarhea so he went back on the Doxy. My girlfriend recoiled at the idea that a physician would first of all choose to go back on a heavy tetracycline antibiotic such as Doxy, but then further this by informing her that he planned to just stay taking Doxy for life. She immediately rejected this absurd idea and reminded him of resistance, disruption and dissolve of the crucial gut microbiome and the fact that he was taking an antibiotic to resolve an issue that is usually induced by the antibiotic to begin with. She questioned him on all the obvious concerns associated and he basically just poo-poo’ed her that there was a study done in acne patients that showed a reduction in inflammation, so he was using it for reducing his GI inflammation and happy with it. My girlfriend being so bothered by his callous disregard for excessive and somewhat reckless antibiotic use/abuse decided to research this study he referred to. What she found was that there was indeed a study that showed reduction in inflammation from a low dose of doxycycline. It was not a forever use either, it showed to be effective at low doses for the reduction of inflammation of acne. She was able to circle back and ask him if he had even read this study using Doxy and that he obviously had not or he would be aware that it showed a dose 1/3 less being the only effective dose for inflammatory reduction and that if he was going to stay on the antibiotic for long term to at least be dosing it properly. A few weeks passed by and she asked him if he had moved to the 50mg dose. He said that he had stopped taking Doxy all together a few weeks ago, and is feeling great again, no problems. Just to add a little more background to the story, the Physician is married to another physician who was prescribing him the Doxy to begin with. He never once acknowledged the fact that both he and his wife, both practicing physicians read the studies regarding what he was using a very volatile medication for. He never once thanked my girlfriend for having concern about his reckless attitude and researching the medicine HE was taking. The take away from this- he is a physician who was choosing to disregard important and relevant risks associated with a medication, bc he is a physician. The same stands for his wife, also a physician that prescribed blindly. I have known this physician for a long time. I really like this physician and know that he is extremely reputable. This doesn’t change my overall view on him as a physician, it just reinforces my confidence in ensuring that I am diligent about independent research.

I share these examples only in the name of researching your questions, yourself. You should never feel shamed or classified as an anti or pro anything for having questions. If your gut is telling you something is off, trust it. Don’t be afraid to seek beyond the professionals. They don’t always have the answers and sometimes unfortunately like the antibiotic physician example above, make irresponsible decisions and justify them in the name of their medical degree. It is never wrong to be completely and fully informed, especially when it comes to medications and bodily autonomy.

“If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely aquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” -Mahatma Ghandi

So much love and respect.

xo-e