Uhhhhh. I have always struggled with this one. Don’t get me wrong, I have the GREATEST father in the world. I can not imagine growing up any differently. My Da has taught me so much, loved me unconditionally, helped to instill a sense of such beauty in a personal walk with faith, and most of all he taught me so much about grace (not physical, we know about that) and most of all forgiveness. He is truly one of my favorite people on this planet outside of being my Da.
This is where once again, my life path diverges from the norm. Even with all the beautiful character traits he was an example of, I never wanted to “marry” him. That has always grossed me out in some fashion 🤢 He was the first man in my life for a reason. He was there to provide me with an example of what a confident man looks like. He owned that. He showed me restraint, and patience and kindness, and forgiveness. Through his examples not just words. I have never forsaken these learnings and I am conscious to BE the example to my son, just like my Da.
When I met my partner in crime, my bestie, my sounding board, my true equilibrium, it was almost just a given that he had all the traits that my Da has. The thing is, he had so many more. I certainly mean no disrespect towards my Da, it’s just that his role was never to act as my partner. His role in my life was established and then maintained. Of course we always grow together, but my Da could never possibly fill the needs required in a marriage or relationship. So did I end up “marrying my dad”? Ummmm nope. Not one time. And I have a little experience here!!
My personal opinion is that because this expression is basically drilled into our heads as women from a young age, that this is what we do, or should do, we literally set ourselves up for failure! I know I certainly always thought about that when I was dating someone. If they did something that my dad wouldn’t do or treat someone, I am sure it impacted my view on them. Imagine an argument between your partner and yourself. Has the thought, “he’s the worst. He’s nothing like my father”, ever run through your head? Eeeeeeewie. What does your father have any business coming into an argument for? For me that’s just projecting and a crappy coping mechanism.
Is that even really living life for ourselves if we are constantly trying to replace or recreate someone else’s role? Maybe one day, but not anymore for this daughter.
For me, recognizing the role that our parents have and honoring that is where I end any desire to bring either of my parents into my marriage.
I am forever grateful to BOTH of my parents. They will never take credit for the deep roots of who I am, but all honor goes to them and god. They taught me how to fish so that I could eat for life. I may have chosen to “fish” in waters they not dare enter (more than once 😳) but I have always managed to circle back to my core fundamentals.
Much love and respect.
Xo -e
The Underground Momma 