I have grown up with parents that remain married and are heading towards their Golden 50th together in just a few more years. They have weathered through life’s storms and obstacles and remain united partners today.
I have always felt a sense of security that my parents stayed married. Why? Was it that it I have always been programmed that divorce ruins kids and you’re supposed to stay married for the “kids”. Was it a sense of security to me that staying married meant everything was gonna be alright? Maybe. And then again maybe not.
Obviously there will be life events that can only be understood until we are faced with dealing with them ourselves. I vividly remember the empty, yet extremely heavy feeling in my body when I told people that I was getting divorced. The fear of being a disappointment, the fear of being seen as a failure or just not trying hard enough. I remember being asked, “well what about your son, how is this fair to him?” Or “kids of divorced families are broken”….
If there is one thing about me that has never waivered in any situation, it is that if I don’t understand the “norm” or the ultimatum, I will question it and reject it until I have found the answer that actually makes sense, regardless of wether it is the “norm”. I would rather feel comfortable with my decisions than get approval from society.
I guess I am not a big fan of being told, “this is just the way it is” when 99% of the time, it really ISN’T just the way it is, at all. This applies EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t matter if it’s vaccines, divorce, drugs, or careers. I have never accepted the “only way” until I have explored if there are other ways or not. It’s my stubborn free will, my choice, and informed consent.
So, when it came time to end the road of what was our own marriage insanity to focus on raising our son, I knew I would never be satisfied with just the norm. I knew that a battle over retirement or houses or money was never going to be an option, because all of those things can be taken in an instant. Then where would we be? Refocusing our insanity on those losses and yet still, the only true casualty would be our son. I felt that if we kept our end goal of NOT ruining our kids life we could pave our own road. So that is exactly what we did. We had many heated discussions and many painful discussions. We had moments where our fears (irrational) overtook our end goal. We verbally attacked each other and spoke words that could never be taken back. Let’s just say, we threw some INSANE Whatevers at each other. It wasn’t all glorious and easy by any means. BUT- as the saying goes, “time heals all wounds”. Time did indeed heal the ego wounds that we had inflicted on each other. Time did heal the lack of trust between each other, time did heal the fracture of our precious and ridiculously frail ego’s.
So, when I speak to people who feel like they are failures because they divorced, my head always cocks to the side in a “what you talking ‘bout, Willis” fashion. WHO says YOU failed? We only have failed if we constantly fall back to seeking the “norm”. Behind every huge success, there have been ten fold of “failures”.
Words are only words until we give them power. ”Failure” is not a negative word to me, it’s what you choose not to learn from it, that’s negative in my world. No one walks in your shoes but you. Their definition of success and failure is based on their experiences and opinions.
I have chosen to “walk the line and tip toe over it softly”. I choose to pave my road on my learning experiences and not failures. I will not longer allow myself to project others versions of being a failure become my own. I’ll walk and tip toe that line for life.
I cannot settle for the consensus. I will always seek another road. I have chosen to follow the consensus much of my life and I can not think of one time it has helped me truly grow. My growth has only come when I stopped trying to be the norm. It can be lonely and scary and dark, and it was. Loneliness, fear and darkness are all the absence of something. Truth love and light. Which we all know, always prevails in the end.
We are not failures. We are humans that have been given free will. We have been given a choice to make. I choose to learn from my failures so as to never repeat them again. Or at least try to…
Much love and respect.
Xo -e
The Underground Momma 