Once again, I find myself thinking back to a conversation with my brother. We were talking about the changes we both recognize that we have had happen. He referred to it as “ego death”. He said that our cousin had referred to the shedding of past fears or insecurities as the death of ego.
This was immediately cemented in my brain. I LOVE THIS. Here’s why.
My parents invested in some land many years ago. It was to be something that is passed down through us and our kids to follow. It’s heaven on earth, we refer to it as “the ranch”. Outside of Ireland, it is my favorite place on earth. Beauty, peace, and love everywhere.
5 years ago, over the 4th of July vacation, I began my own “ego death”. It began at a massive family reunion our at the ranch. I had been looking forward to reuniting with all of my maternal cousins and their kids. We spent so much time together growing up that the memories flooded me with excitement and love.
The reunion at the ranch came and went. My cousins were as incredible as they always were, everything with the weekend went perfectly, yet I had NEVER felt more alone, lonely, insecure, sorry for myself, you name it, I felt it. I felt it viscerally. I attempted to try and verbally share these overwhelming feelings with my parents, siblings and close friends. They were amazing at listening and offering solace, yet I received none. I wailed in personal pain whenever I was alone in the car or home. I repeatedly prayed that god would take these horrendous feelings away, but I knew that this wasn’t god’s doing, it was my own free will that had brought me here. I had to own my “stinkin thinkin”. Being that I always strive for balance, I knew I couldn’t stay in the crap mindset I had found myself suddenly trapped in. At that point, I had no idea that these personal pains were actually all part of my metamorphosis.
It was after that weekend, that I knew I was changing but didn’t feel like I was in control of it. I became so aware of myself, how I responded to my son, how I interacted with my friends, the way I conducted myself professionally, and what I truly want for the second half of my life. It was that weekend that sparked me to spark the fire to create separate living spaces for my ex and I. It was after that weekend, that the death of my ego began. I started re-evaluating how I chose to respond to situations, and how I would become proactive to avoid repeating history. I started to find my own self love, which at the time was disguised in self doubt. It has been almost 4 years since that epic weekend, and the more my ego dies, the more I grow. I don’t know that I will ever completely kill my ego off, but I love the shedding it has afforded me thus far, so I plan on continuing to walk the line.
I have reveled in watching so many of my girlfriend’s begin and journey on through their own metamorphosis’s. There is no greater joy in life that watching people grow, I grow right along with them. Here we go again with my favorite saying that I may or may not have made up, all boats rise with the tide. RISE PEOPLE!!!
so much love and respect.
xo-e
The Underground Momma 