I find myself in this dichotomous world wondering what my role is as a believer in god. I have spoken about how for the most part I have kept organized religion at an arm’s length, yet always embraced the messages that were intended for us as believers to embrace. I do not deny the role organized religion was intended for, I instead question the behind the scenes narrative.
I have attended a church near my hometown on and off as a younger me, and love to attend when I’m home visiting as an adult. I watch how my parents are warmed around the idea that their babies have returned home and can enjoy a message that is intended as soul nourishment. I usually find myself crying during both the praise/worship songs and again in the delivery of the days message. My better half and I have taken to watching the online service of my hometown church, not because we feel we need a church to gain clarity, but rather to have a dedicated time for the delivery and application of the message that we observe. Every Sunday at 9am, we gather in front of YouTube and stream the live service in our living room. I have repeatedly found myself bursting out in uncontrollable tears when listening. I can not describe the foreign feeling of where these emotions come from, other than personal conviction and it’s application into my life.
This morning we gathered with coffee in hand and listened to the message of the morning. It spoke of what god’s true intentions were for us as humans living amongst each other. It’s spoke of children honoring their mother and father and how that pleases god. The message also had a repeated message of “what is good for you, is also good for others.” I instantly said out loud, “I do not agree with this.” I continued to listen attentively to try and extinguish my contempt with god’s word. A couple other examples were thrown out that externally speaking had no impact upon me, but internally was another story. I immediately began sobbing. Inside my brain I couldn’t identify these emotions being triggered by something that consciously I didn’t agree with and was rejecting. I couldn’t control my tears, they poured down my face all while filling me with confusion, yet I also felt completely at peace. (Weird I know) My initial reaction of rejection had turned into opportunities ahead that I know are there, I just have no idea what I am supposed to do with them. By the time the service was over, I turned to my better half, with uncontrollable tears pouring down my face, trying to put into words the emotions that had been stirred inside me. He of course has witnessed these tears a million times, yet every time he engages with me to answer questions that may not have answers. I explained my concerns around the messaging and sought insight as to how I should interpret this message.
Let me explain myself. I am filled with gratitude that my personal walk with faith has provided me solutions that I may not have had without. I cannot tell you HOW MANY TIMES that I have strayed away from my faith, completely screwed up, sometimes willfully and sometimes blindly. I have made decisions that for many others have resulted in loss of life. I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen. I have sinned deeply and darkly. I have condemned others for committing the same exact sin I have. I have been self righteous, I have been condescending, and I have been downright disrespectful. I am a sinner through and through. All I can say from my own experience of “falling from grace” REPEATEDLY, is that when I circle back to my faith roots, I always find redemption. I am able to seek forgiveness, I am able to provide forgiveness, I am able to be accountable to both myself, others and ultimately my creator. No matter how much I reject a church or their practices, I always circle back to the ONE and ONLY thing that provides me peace and solace, my faith.
As of recent, my rejection of organized religion has struck again, and the message today didn’t exactly help. I struggle every day to uphold and support “the church” when what I feel they hide behind tax exemptions so as not to cross the clear line between church and state. I struggle that massive religious organizations like the Catholic Church or Prominent and popular preachers that while in the confines of church, preach against abortion on all levels. Pro-life mentality is a fundamental of practicing god’s word. Abortion is considered murder in the Christian faith. The idea that inside the church walls you hear a message that you are supposed to live by, yet the second you leave those holy walls, you are on your own. You feel inspired by the messaging, you feel conviction by the messaging, and have the desire to share these convictions with others.
Well, how does the church expect all these people who are taught these fundamentals to be able to practice this in their everyday life, if when challenged by the state, the church becomes silent. They retreat to their sacred and protected walls behind the guise of protecting a tax exempt status and respecting the clear divide of church and state. How can religious leaders claim they are children and messengers of god’s word and intent if they bail when push comes to shove. The FACT that aborted fetal cells are crucial to the development of vaccines and are and have been readily used and will continue to be used to develop further vaccines is completely acceptable to the leaders of ALL organized religions. Aborted babies are aborted babies are aborted babies. The abortions of babies were done for social reasons, not because of maternal or fetal health. These are live babies that are harvested through live water sac births in order to preserve and then extract the LIVING cells of that fetus. I have actually had doctors say, “those must have been spontaneous abortions.” Ummmm no. Spontaneous abortions would mean the fetus is dead and therefore have no use to harvesting live cells that are needed. How can we as believers continue to provide money, support and effort of spreading god’s word as a follower of a church, when the church itself recoils from clear stances in the name of tax exemption.
For me personally, I need to see actions not just hear words. I am not ok with seeking leadership and guidance from an interpreter that claims to deliver god’s word, yet turn and hide from it when push comes to shove. We are already here. We are watching our religious freedoms stripped by our government in the name of “what’s good for other’s is good for you”. We are watching our religious institutions hide behind the curtains of the church, condoning the need to remove religious freedom, by staying silent. That is until you decide to return inside those sacred walls to hear the same message they don’t publicly defend.
My struggle remains. How do I as a Christian, that chooses to apply the message from my creator into my every day life expect non believers to see the truth behind faith? How do I as a Christian, share the beauty and peace and comfort that can only come from a walk in faith, all while the same messaging is contradicted by a lack of actions upon the religious institutions?
In a sense, organized religion has always been part of the divide. Most people believe that all religions end up praying to the same god in the end, so the different rituals and practices that each religion offer just reinforce that these are man made interpretations. Therefore, it’s easier to ignore and walk away from the never ending conflicts and discourse of the same premise.
I will always stay on my faith walk. I am able to have more clarity surrounding the results of my choices In my past to stray. I am able to somehow always ground myself through my personal faith and beliefs. I choose to take the message and apply it to my personal walk, all while keeping the core message the same. I truly believe that we are all our own “church” as believers. I will always hope and pray that everyone is able to discover a walk of faith in their own lives. As more and more divide and oppression happens every day, I remain confident that my personal walk with faith only grows stronger in the presence of darkness and divide. I choose to see the same light that drew me to believe in god so many years ago. The light that has always been there for me to move closer to, even in my darkest of days. Although it can feel isolating in the sense that no one around you agrees or feels the same as you, I can honestly say that I never feel completely alone anymore. I always carry a glimpse of all the beauty, comfort and solace that ONLY my blind faith has provided. I will never yield in my faith, I only seek as to how as just one person, I can relay to others that they too have this dim light always glowing in the darkness just waiting for them to keep seeking regardless of the perceptions they have. All I have right now is not being afraid to speak and share the truth and never yield. So that is where I forage onward. Filled with a sense of peace, confidence and empowerment to navigate these ridiculously dark and divise times. I guess my only answer right now is to be the church. I am not bound by the separation of church and state. I am not bound, even with the recent LAWS passed to deny my faith. I have chosen to continue my faith walk, regardless of the punishments that I have and will continue to face. Faith is a choice that is a personal decision, one that is unwavering regardless of the obstacles placed in front of us. It has taken me almost 45 years to get to this place, it has been lonely, terrifying, and even threatening at times, yet at the end of the day, it is truly the ONLY thing that I can NEVER be stripped of.
“he has been with me everywhere I have gone.” -genesis 35:3
So much love and respect.
Xo -e
The Underground Momma 