From Anger to gratitude…

I started out the first half of my day scream talking at people on the phone. I try hard not to use the word hate, so when I say this, I really mean it. I HATE the way I feel when I’m angry or feel wronged. It’s far too extreme for me, and although I know it is a natural emotion to have, I want to crawl out of my skin when I process anger. My friends and my boss were the lucky recipients of my enraged scream talking today. I vented about my partner at work not being a partner at all and how frustrated I am with his behaviors. I scream talked at my friends about the insanity surrounding this whole divide on medical freedom. I screamed inside my own head at how I have contributed to the Pharma lies. I listened to nurses tell me of horrendous billing schemes that the doctor they work for has going. I listened to more nurses talk about how they want to leave the profession all together because medicine is such a joke. I was ANGRY.

I needed to pull myself out of this awful state as I had scheduled a sit down meeting with my school’s superintendent this afternoon. Walking into a meeting to discuss the impacts of the new law change would not go smoothly with the energy I was occupying. As I drove to my scheduled meeting, I turned my radio off, and said a prayer. I just asked for the grace and the words to flow fluently from my mouth. I asked for my eyes to have clarity and my heart lead my words. I reminded myself in the power of Emotional Intelligence. I wanted to present myself for who I really am, not as the emotions I was processing and feeling. I have made it 45 years without ever going to the Superintendent’s office until today.

I have no idea why and I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t a little nervous waiting to be called into his office. Maybe it was the little girl in me feeling intimidated, maybe it was that I would be rejected by him, all I knew is that I could never show my nerves. Thank goodness there was a flight of stairs that I needed to take to get to his office. I figured it would be better to seem out of breath than choke on my words. As I hit the landing, I was greeted by the school’s policy director who escorted me into the conference room. She and I had met briefly a few weeks before, when I walked in to seek resources for homeschooling. I wasn’t impressed by my first meeting with her, so when she greeted me, I felt a little deflated. She and I chatted for about a minute before we were joined by our Superintendent. They proceeded to listen to why I was there, my personal journey since 6/13, and asked questions. They allowed me to speak to how this law is bigger than a vaccine debate. They asked me if I had taken my story to the media. They kept asking me questions of who I had been in front of, and if I planned on attending the Regents meeting. They both shed tears of empathy listening to me. I of course bawled. It’s not cinematic, it’s raw and the tears are enormous, I have zero control. I spoke of how my child has no IEP and is in a different place than a lot of the children. I bawled uncontrollably that my own cousin is dragging her children against her will to be injected with 40+ vaccines just to attend school. I always bawl when I tell my pregnancy story, it was and will always be my miraculous life event. I spoke of statistics and facts that are easily researched and contradict our own CDC. I purged, but I knew I had purged with pure EI because the reception and response was INCREDIBLE. I’m not sure the policy director knew what hit her after I finished with my truth bombs. She just kept nodding her head in agreement with me. She would make eye contact with me purposefully to show me the empathy she felt. The superintendent spoke numerous times at how they have met with numerous families impacted by this and I was the only person to speak to both sides of the vaccine issue. I was the only person to be able to speak passionately about how this law has impacted my family, yet do so in a fashion that doesn’t make people who “don’t know” feel defensive and want to have open dialogue. We discussed how other Superintendents In the state were taking a solid stance against the law and encouraging families to send their kids. He mentioned numerous times that there is a bigger picture that is being overlooked with this and he is active in ensuring that bigger picture and impact is seen, heard and addressed. He repeatedly encouraged me to share my discussion with him in whatever way necessary. He was incredibly supportive in not stopping at just “no shots, no school”. The discussion even led to the mention of the conspiracy theorist label. I joked that if people want to call me a conspiracy theorist because I like to know both sides of the coin, I’m totally ok with that. In response, he firmly shook my hand and said I’m a conspiracy theorist too. This fights not over.”

I walked away from the meeting with the closing that their office was planning on staying in contact with me. I once again offered to be the parental voice if they ever needed one. They both thanked me repeatedly for sharing my story, not in a condescending way of taming an angry parent, but as empathetic humans who had just had a little more clarity in the bigger picture. I am forever grateful for the interactions and words exchanged. I am forever grateful to have left that toxic, skin crawling energy from this morning, in the past. I am leaving my work day with my heart happy, full of gratitude, hope and love.

“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change, I am changing the things I can no longer accept.”

So much love and respect.

Xo-e